Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Now with one million times the complexity and one millionth of the personality!

This movie made me angry enough to spend a mild amount of time doing two things that I love: Doodling around in MS Paint*, and writing long paragraphs about something I don’t respect.

I was not, however, angry that Transformers 2 did not “do justice” to some previous incarnation of the Transformers franchise. Ever since the announcement of the first Transformers live-action movie, I’ve only expected loose nods to the franchise of the past and a whole lot of interesting alien robot action. Transformers managed to hit the target, even if it was as far from a bulls-eye as is possible while still remaining on-target.

I’m angry that Transformers 2 is about gigantic interesting alien robots that no longer have a SHRED of actual character. And these are supposed to be the main characters, the top performers. In this movie, they are merely the titular characters. The director does little more than slap Trucknutz™ on them and keep them in a garage so that he can play Army Men and First Day Of College. In the instances where the giant alien robots are allowed to speak, they are revealed to be almost unilaterally awful actors with atrocious lines and no grasp of the plot beyond pieces of “necessary exposition” that make no sense. When they are allowed to get all up into some action and fight, they are revealed to have such awful designs that you couldn’t tell one from another if most of them weren’t painted with a bright, distinct color (And even those distinctive choices play second banana to their robot mode’s all-encompassing grey greebles).

I’m angry that Michael Bay is such an incompetent, yet well-paid, director. Circling camera pans are literally dizzying, he gives pretty sunsets an insane amount of screen time, the editing is downright confusing, and of course he hasn’t noticed that his main non-human draw are extreme wastes of talent. Perhaps, since he loves tanks and soldiers so much, he has no idea that making all of the giant alien robots look the same is a BAD idea? Because, hey, they’re soldiers! They should look uniform!

I’m angry that these giant alien robots now have HAIR, and EARS, and TEETH (And LIPS but those were in the first movie as well), and SPIT and PISS and VOMIT. Can you think of a reason for a robot — not a Terminator, mind you (Cyborgs) — to have any of those physical charactaristics? Not only teeth, but also seemingly FAKE teeth. I am fully prepared, at this point, to say that Michael Bay got behind more stupid ideas, pulled more retarded prank-sounding bullshit, and has filmed a less-coherent movie than M. Night Shyamalan and Uwe Boll combined could have done in his shoes.

Do you want to see John Turturro’s bared ass, Megan Fox perched awkwardly (If you’re trying to paint, like she’s poorly pretending to) on a bike, Shia LaBeouf getting chased by a tongue-tentacle rapist alien robot, Army soldiers fighting battles they can only hold their own in off-screen, the “The biggest, baddest villain in the previous movie turns out to be the lackey of an BIGGER, BADDER villain” cliche, dogs humping legs, dogs humping dogs, robots humping legs, and dogs humping robots? Then this movie is so far up your alley that it’s already lying naked in your room.

*This is the logo that the Michaelbot Bayformers deserve. It’s based half on Mudflap and half on Skids (I did not know these were their names just by watching the movie; if you watched the movie then you’ll know them better as “The Twins”). Although it would look slightly “better” if I’d only chosen one or the other (I wonder, now, how the lips would play), this disorganized aesthetic is all the movie deserves.

One comment

  1. Now THAT just about covers it. The Twins and indeed this entire movie seems to have been mortaly inflicted with the JarJar virus. Pointless, ridiculous, retarded and insulting.

    Great picture, though, yo!


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