Transformers (2007)

2007 Transformers
‘Are you watching Mankind Manor again?’

I couldn’t draw them the way the movie portrays all of the robots on Cybertron, because they would look identical and you’d have no idea that one was supposed to be Optimus Prime and one was supposed to be Bumblebee. Also, THESE are what Transformers really look like. The robots in the movie are just similar to Transformers in many respects. Anyway, Bumblebee is very strangely obsessed with humans makin’ out on his hood. I guess it’s because Michael Bay can’t get over how hot Megan Fox is, but it makes me wonder about Bumblebee anyway.

Going in, I was sure that I would doom my movie-going experience if I brought my memories of Transformers with me. So I didn’t, and hugely enjoyed the giant alien robot movie as a result. The action is amazing – ranging from seeing cars turn into a jillion kajiggers and those kajiggers rotate and fold into big robot aliens to seeing big explosion sequences between giant alien robots and army men. This is, frankly, the best thing CG animation has ever done. This is what it’s BEST at – making fake mechanical creations look real.

There are a lot of good performances from the human actors, as well. Shia LaBeouf is very personable, and interacts well with others. Megan Fox is hot. The parents are good. The army men are believable. And then you realize that there are something like twelve important characters soaking up screen time, many of them quite uselessly or flat-out insultingly (I’m looking at you, useless and retarded “alien code decryption” storyline and characters). And you realize that the big robot monster elements are revolving around the human assets, when it should be the other way around. And so, the Transformers end up playing an impressive and larger-than-life second banana role in their own movie. The film ends up with no time to flesh out (Or even hang out with) ANY of the robots, because it’s spent so, so much on following the too-large cast around as if THEY are what should be interesting, here. The only exception is Bumblebee (To an extent), because he’s a car that the main character drives for a large portion of the movie.

And that’s really all there is to it. It’s a really fun movie, definitely a hit popcorn summer flick. But it seriously lacks replay appeal, because I don’t WANT to revisit the human character arcs and plotlines while the robot badasses only pop in and out in sporadic fashion. I do not care at ALL about half of the (Human) characters we’re forced to watch. It’s a huge weakness in what should have been a bigger movie. We’re hit over the head with the importance of humanity or whatever the hell, to the detriment of the stars of the show.The main robot hero and the main robot villain only share a couple of lines together. You know, Prime and Megatron? Those guys. THEY BARELY TALK TO EACH OTHER. Hell, I think Megatron only has four lines in the entire movie. That can’t be right!

Still, this is a lot better than getting no live-action Transformer movie at all.

[Edit from ten years into the future] I take that back.

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