Alexander (2004)

Tonight: Simpering mama’s boy with bad hair conquers most of the known world! World disgusted with itself! News at eleven.

I wanted to find out just how bad this movie was, so I watched it. And I found out. Imaginary interview time:

Byting Reviews: So, you conquered a bunch of “the known world”, did you? You and what army? I see like, twenty guys with you.
Alexander: The rest of my grand army is off-camera. Don’t worry, you’ll see them. Maybe.
BR: And they all seem kind of like bitches.
A: War is hard.
BR: And YOU seem like a bitch. A whiny, blubbering bitch.
A: But this movie would be nothing without my constant nostril flaring! And my full-body quivering!
BR: Yeah, you kept flaring your nostrils like you were trying to catch food with them. Is it true that you have no idea what to do with your arms when standing around talking?
A: I really wasn’t sure, so I held them stiff and against my sides for as long as I could. But I figured people in those days didn’t know how to do anything with their arms while they talked, anyway.
BR: I’ve never seen anything look as ridiculous as the costumes in this “epic war movie”. Was it hard, finding all of those bedsheets and paperclips?
A: We tried to make up for it by adding a lot of florid colors to the film. You’d better not be making fun of the awesome action scenes!
BR: There were, like, two of those; and they were not awesome. It was retarded, and I saw more violence against horses and elephants than against actual people. The war part of the movie really fell on its face when trying to balance out the other three hours of mind-numbing boredom.
A: Those horses were bastards, trust me. Why would we want to kill people?
BR: Any last words? And please, feel free to use any kind of accent you feel like. As usual.
A: I’d like to thank my mother, whom I hate. But I love her. What’s wrong with my accents? I used my special “sweeping grandeur epic movie” one, except for when I forgot!


  1. You have to wonder if someone at the production company actually proposed dropping “the great” from the movie title. Perhaps they appreciated the irony. I love the comment about the accents! Poor Colin. wah.


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